Fish Jokes
Who keeps the ocean clean? ... Mermaids.
How do seahorses get around quickly? ... They scallop!
Name a whale that ate rotten fish? … Moby Sick
Where does seaweed look for a job? … In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads
Where do fish store their important documents? ... In a reef case
Why are fish smarter than people? … Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
Here's a recipe for broiled fish with herbs ... Nevermind. This isn't the thyme or plaice
What kind of fish will help you hear better? … A herring aid
What is a mermaid? … A deep-she fish
Name a grilled fish flipping singer? ... Tuna Turner
Which fish sings Proud Mary? ... Tuna Turner
What is a skate's favorite sunglasses? ... Ray Bans
Why is it easy to weigh a fish? ... It comes with it's own scales
Why do Gillie Eilish and Swim Shady sing so well? ... 'Cause they gpt sole!
Why is swordfish always on discount? ... Because it is a sale fish
Why won't fish ever take responsibility? ... It is always salmon else's fault
What is the fish’s favorite sitcom? ... Tuna Half Men
Why don't fish have romantic relationships? ... They are scared of intima-sea.
What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift? ... A plastic sturgeon.
How does an octopus go to war?…Well-armed.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?…Open toad.
Why was the Japanese fish so bashful around his crush? ... He was feeling koi.
What do you call a fish with two eyes?…FIISH.
What is grouchy and lives alone in the ocean? ... A hermit crab.
Why do fish swim in schools? ... Because they can’t walk.
What do you call an underwater social network? ... Fishbook.
What does the Pope eat on Fridays during Lent? ... Holy mackerel.
Which fish go to heaven when they die? ... Angelfish.
Who works in the monastery kitchen? ... The fish friar and the chip monk.
What do sea monsters eat? ... Fish and ships.
Why did the restaurant sell bad fish? ... Long time no sea.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show?…Whale of fortune (and you thought I would say Flipper!)
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes? … A nervous wreck.
What do you need to catch a fish? ... Someone to throw it to you.
How do fish know what’s going on? ... They read Undercurrent News.
How do fishermen get paid? ... Net income.
What is a good name for a fish? ... Bob.
What do fish need to stay healthy? ... Vitamin Sea.
Why do fish make terrible journalists? ... They spread hake news.
Why don’t fish like going online? ... Because they’re scared of the net.
What puts white lines on the ocean?…Ocean liners.
Why did the fishmonger throw out the mussels and oysters? ... They were past their shell by date.
Why did the fish blush? ... Because the sea-weed!
Why was the clam fisherman so stingy? ... Because his work made him shell-fish.
What did the fish say at the end of the interview? ... Let minnow when you want me to start.
Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?…No, they do everything on porpoise.
What’s the best way to catch a fish?…Have someone throw it at you.
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?…Drop it a line.
Which fish can perform operations?…A Sturgeon.
What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?…A fish tank.
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?…Jack the kipper.
What is a good fish for Lent? Holy mackerel.
A man calls 911 and tells the operator he just swallowed a fish bone.
Operator: Are you Choking?
Man: No I’m serious.
What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab? .... Snappy solutions.
Why are men like fish? .... They get in trouble because they can't keep there mouths shut.
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?…A beer-a-cuda.
Two parrots sitting on a perch…the first one says to the other “can you smell fish?”
Why are fish smarter than humans?…Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Its a bit wet in here”, the other says, “Wow, a talking fish!”
What sea creatures come calling door to door at Christmas? ... The coral singers.
What is a mermaid?…A deep-she fish.
What happened to the cold jellyfish?…It set.
Which girl is good at catching fish? ... Annette.
What is Moby Dick's favorite TV show? ... Whale of Fortune.
What do you call a man with a flatfish on his head? ... Ray.
Which country has the most fish? ... Finland.
Which side of the fish has more scales? ... The outside.
Did you see our new fish website? ... Its online now.
What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend? … Your plaice or mine?
What music do fishermen listen to?... Something catchy.
Two priests ran a fish and chips shop ... One was the fish friar, one was the chip monk.
What did the local Boston magician say? ... Take a cod, any cod.
Why did the bluefish get bad grades? ... Because he was below C level.
Which fish is only made of 2 sodium molecules?....2 Na
What did the fish say when he posted bail?....I’m off the hook!
Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark
How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?…Skates
Where do fish wash?…In a river basin
What do you call a lazy crayfish?...A slobster.
Two fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other...“How do you drive this thing?
Do you like these crappie one liners?...They are kinda super fish-al.
What day of the week do fish hate?…Frydays
Where does seaweed look for a job?…In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads
Why don’t you put Nutella on salmon?...You don’t want salmonella.
Who do fish pray to?...Cod almighty.
How do you make an Octopus laugh?...With ten-tickles
Why did the bluefish blush?...Because he saw the boat’s bottom.
What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?…Huckleberry Fin
What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?…Tsardines
What do you give a seasick whale?…Lots of room
Where are most fish found?…Between the head and the tail
What happened to the illiterate fisherman? He was lost at C.
What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can’t tuna fish
1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’
How do you mail a fish?…You send it by first bass mail
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?…I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand
Where do you find a crab with no legs?…Exactly where you left it
Why are fish no good at tennis?…They don’t like to get too close to the net
What is the thirstiest fish in the world?…The one who drinks Canada Dry
How do you tune a fish?…With its scales
Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?…Billy the Squid
What do you use to cut the ocean?…A seasaw
What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired?…It got toad
What do you call a fish with no eyes?…Fsh
How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale
A fish swam into a wall and said, ... “Dam!”
What do you call a deaf shark? ... Anything you like, he cannot hear you
What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?…A dirty double-crosser
What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row
Where do fish keep their money?…In the river bank
What does a fish wrap round its shoulders to keep warm?…A shoal
How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision?…Flipper coin
There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant…Four fish got battered
What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?…A Perch
What do fish sing to each other?…Salmon-chanted evening
How do you mail a fish?…You send it COD
Why are frogs so happy?…They eat whatever bugs them
Which fish go to heaven when they die? ... Angel fish.
Why are men like fish? .... They get in trouble because they cant keep their mouths shut.
What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab? ... Snappy solutions.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark? ... As far away as possible!
What do you find on a small beach?…Micro waves
How do you kiss a pike?…Very carefully
Why did the flounder go to the doctor?…Because he was feeling a bit flat!
What does a diver get paid if he works extra hours?…Undertime
Oh cod, I can’t take any more of these fish puns, ... I’m outta this plaice.