Fish Jokes

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How does the Sergeant Major fish blow things up? ... With Sea Floor explosives.

What is a cephalopod's favorite boyband?... New squids on the block. 

I have always admired fishermen ... They are reel men and women.

What do fish do when an emergency occurs? ... The sea kelp.  

Where do shrimp go for cash in a pinch? … To the prawn shop. 

What did the pirate fish make the prisoner fish do? ... Walk the plankton. 

What does the crab say when it’s “haddock up to here”?... That’s the last claw. 

Why do fish try to stay on the good side of their king? … Well, otherwise they’d be royally scrod. 

Have you heard the fisherman’s anthem? … Osetra can you sea by the dolphin fish bite. 

What’s the best way for a fish to get to Canada? … Follow the “northern pike.” 

Why do most people dislike anchovies? … Because they’re a little fishy.

Why don’t elderly fish listen well? ... They have herring problems.

How do shellfish take photos? … With a clam-era.

Who do the fish pray to? ... Cod almighty. 

What do you call two barracuda fish? ... A pairacuda.  

How’s the calamari? ... Why, it’s ex-squid-sit, thank you. 

Why did one fish slap the other?  …  To snapper out of it.  

Did you hear about the pearl thief still at large? ... It's a clamity!  

Why are fish so gullible? … They fall for things hook, line and sinker.

How do you make starfish turn all shiny? ... Drop them in sparkling water.

What did the flatfish say when his relationship started to flounder? ... Halibut we chat about it?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Fish. Fish who? ... Fish you a Merry Christmas, we fish you a Merry Christmas!

Did you hear the about the goldfish who crossed the "codfather"? ... He turned into a bronze fish.

What did one fish say to the other? … Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught!

There is a sale at the fish market today. ... so, I am going to see what the catch is. 

Where do linebackers shop in the offseason? ... The tackle shop. 

Do you like my crappie one liners? ... No, they are super fish-al.

How much money does Gill Gates have? … Gillions of dollars.

What do you call a literary fish? … Salmon Rushdie.

How do pre-teen Koi get around? … in a Go-carp.

What is a good name for a fish? ... Bob. 

What is the world’s most expensive fish? The goldfish.

What is the first book a tadpole reads?…The Egg and I.

Why do fish live in saltwater? ... Pepper makes them sneeze.

Why don’t aardvarks get sick? ... They are full of Anty-Bodies. 

What was Jerry Garcia's favorite fishing hole? ... The Dead Sea!

What is the lowest ranked piece on a seafaring chess board? ... The prawn.

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? ... Swimming trunks.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?…A good start.

What’s white on the outside, and green on the inside?…A frog sandwich

What does the salmon say at closing time? … Time to lox up.

What is the fastest fish in the sea?…The one that got away

Surfing the net is great, ... unless, of course, you’re a fish.

How do mollusks hide from predators? Clamouflage!

What does stuck seaweed say?…”Kelp!, Kelp!”

Which fish has the worst haircut? ... The mullet.

Where are most fish found? … Between the head and the tail.

What do you call a starfish that is acting like a jerk? ... A son of a beach.

Why do so many fish companies never work? … They always have to scale back.

Why is a swordfish’s nose 11 inches long? … If it were 12 inches long it would be a foot.

What did Uni the sea urchin say to his girlfriend? … Your caviar is so Roe-mantic?

Who is grouchy and lives alone in the ocean? … Oscar, the hermit crab.

What’s weirder than seeing a cat fish? ... Seeing a goldfish bowl.

I don't fish all the time ... I only fish on days that end with Y.

Who is your favorite pelagic rapper? … Mackerelmore.

Create your own fish pun … Don’t leave it to salmon else.

The fish had a girlfriend, but he lobster … Then he flounder.

What did the love struck shrimp say? … I’ll love you for a krillion years.

Why is serving frog legs cruel? … Because of all the frogs in wheelchairs.

Why won't cod fishermen ever give up? ... Because they're in it for the long trawl.

Nobody could peel shrimp as fast as my grandma ... She could peel a pound in Nana-seconds.  

For heavens hake! Could this get any punnier? I may have gone overboard. Should I scale back?

I went to the pet store and purchased a starfish as my new pet. ... It was a no-brainer.

Why did batman stop taking Robin fishing? … He kept eating all the worms.

What did Tom Sawyer name his fish? ... Huckleberry Fin.

How do religious fish start off their prayers? ... Dear cod.

What do you call a fake carp? ... De-Koi.

How do you catch fish on the internet? .... With click bait.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Fish. Fish who? .... Bless you!

What did the fish say when he posted bail? ...  I'm off the hook. 

What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea? … It sinks!  

Do teenage fish get grounded? ... No, they just lose access to their shell phone.

Why did the flounder partnership break up? ... One wanted to be a sole proprietorship.

What do you call the soft tissue that lies between a shark's teeth? ... A slow swimmer.

What music do fishermen listen to? ... Something catchy, with lots of bass and drum. 

What did the fishmonger say when her new shipment was coming in? ... Wahoo!

What did she say when she found out the Wahoo was shorted? ... Ono! 

Why are tuna so bad at tennis? ... They're afraid of the net.   

Why did the Bull shark blush? ... Because the sea-weed!

Did you see our new fish website? ... It's online now. 

Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark

What TV game show do fish like best?… Name that tuna.

Why did the redfish get bad grades? ... Because he was below C level.

Which fish got a lead role in a Hollywood movie? ... The starfish, of course. 

What is the fist lesson for a fish in school? ... The end of a hook is the point of no return.

Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?… Bait Shop Owner: Sorry sir, we don’t do trades.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? ... One is a scum-sucking scavenger; the other is just a fish.

Why is the new action film "Fast Fishing" such a hit? ... It has an amazing cast. 

Who are the actors? … Bruce Gillis and Fin Diesel.

What is an eel's favorite game? ... Tide and seek.

Holy Shrimp! ... This Scampi happening.

What does the Rasta fish love? ... Sea weed.

I named my goldfish one and two ... If one dies, I still have two.

I thought the sea urchin was my friend ... But, it was an anemone.

Why did they throw the clams out? ... They were past their shell-by-date.

Have you heard about the new Sauna restaurant? ... Their specialty is steamed mussels.

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?…A fish tank

What has more lives that a cat?… A frog that croaks every night.

What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?… Glass flippers.

How do you make a goldfish old? ... Take away the G.

Which fish is made with 2 sodium particles? ... 2 Na.

What is a knight’s favorite fish?… A swordfish.

Who touts Social Fishtancing? … Dr. Anchovie Fouci.

Why did the optician go ice fishing?… He had perfect ice sight.

Why are fishermen poor boxers? ... All they can throw are hooks?

What do you call a fish that doesn't believe in war? ... A pacifisht.

What did the ocean say to the sand? ... Nothing, it just waved.

What day do fish like to meet? ... Any day, barr-a-mundi.

Never date a fisherman ... They just string you along. 

What fish will never shut up? ... Big-mouthed bass.

Where do freshwater fish do yoga? ... The river bend.

Why did the fisherman start doing drugs? ... Pier pressure.

Why are men like fish? ... They live longer if they kept their mouths shut. 

A scientist just discovered that sharks can squirt ink ... Not true, I'm just squidding!

Here's a recipe for broiled flounder with herbs ... Nevermind. This isn't the thyme or plaice

Why did the old lady make so much fish eye soup? ... To see her through the week.

Where do fish store their important documents? ... In a reef case.

What happened to the illiterate fisherman? ... He was lost at C.

Which fish can really shake her tail? ... Sharkira!

What do stylish frogs wear?…Jumpsuits.

Where do goldfish go on holiday? ... Around the globe.

What is 007's favorite fishing hole? ... Pond, James Pond. 

Why did the bluefish blush? ... Because he saw the boat’s bottom.

What instrument does the toothfish play? ... The sea bass drum.

What party game do fish like to play? ... Salmon Says.

Which fish drives a Lincoln? ... Matthew McCodaughy. 

Who keeps the ocean clean? ... Mermaids.

Name a whale that ate rotten fish? … Moby Sick.

Why did the fish lose his court case? ... He was gill-ty.

How do seahorses get around quickly? ... They scallop! 

What kind of fish will help you hear better? … A herring aid.

Where does seaweed look for a job? … In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads

Why do Gillie Eilish and Swim Shady sing so well? ... 'Cause they gpt sole!

Why won't fish ever take responsibility? ... It is always salmon else's fault.

Why is swordfish always on discount? ... Because it is a sale fish.

Why is it easy to weigh a fish? ... It comes with it's own scales

What is a skate's favorite sunglasses? ... Ray Bans.

Name a grilled fish flipping singer? ... Tuna Turner.

Which fish sings Proud Mary? ... Tuna Turner.

What is a mermaid? … A deep-she fish.

How does an octopus go to war?…Well-armed.

What is the fish’s favorite sitcom? ... Tuna Half Men.

What do you call an underwater social network? ... Fishbook

Who works in the monastery kitchen? ... The fish friar and the chip monk.

Why don't fish have romantic relationships? ... They are scared of intima-sea.

What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift? ... A plastic sturgeon.

What does the Pope eat on Fridays during Lent? ... Holy mackerel 

Why do fish swim in schools? ... Because they can’t walk.

Which fish go to heaven when they die? ... Angelfish.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?…Open toad.

What do you call a fish with two eyes?…FIISH.

What do sea monsters eat? ... Fish and ships.

What do fish need to stay healthy? ... Vitamin Sea.

Why did the restaurant sell bad fish? ... Long time no sea.

How do fish know what’s going on? ... They read Undercurrent News. 

Why was the Japanese fish so bashful around his crush? ... He was feeling koi.

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show?…Whale of fortune (and you thought I would say Flipper!)

What did the fish say at the end of the interview? ... Let minnow when you want me to start.

Why was the clam fisherman so stingy? ... Because his work made him shell-fish.

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes? … A nervous wreck.

What do you need to catch a fish? ... Someone to throw it to you.

What puts white lines on the ocean?…Ocean liners.

How do fishermen get paid? ... Net income.

What is a good name for a fish? ... Bob.

Why did the fish blush? ... Because the sea-weed!

Why do fish make terrible journalists? ... They spread hake news.

Why don’t fish like going online? ... Because they’re scared of the net.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?…No, they do everything on porpoise.

Why did the fishmonger throw out the mussels and oysters? ... They were past their shell by date

Two parrots are sitting on a perch…the first one says to the other “can you smell fish?”

What’s the best way to catch a fish?…Have someone throw it at you.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?…Drop it a line.

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?…Jack the kipper

Which fish can perform operations?…A Sturgeon

What is a good fish for Lent?  Holy mackerel.

A man calls 911 and tells the operator he just swallowed a fish bone..

Operator: Are you Choking? 

Man:  No I’m serious.

What is a mermaid?…A deep-she fish.

What happened to the cold jellyfish?…It set.

Which girl is good at catching fish? ... Annette. 

What is Moby Dick's favorite TV show? ... Whale of Fortune.

What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab? .... Snappy solutions.

What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

What sea creatures come calling door to door at Christmas? ... The coral singers.

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?…A beer-a-cuda.

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend? … Your plaice or mine?

What do you call a man with a flatfish on his head? ... Ray.

Which side of the fish has more scales? ... The outside.

Which country has the most fish? ... Finland.

Did you see our new fish website? ... Its online now.

What music do fishermen listen to?... Something catchy.

What did the local Boston magician say? ... Take a cod, any cod.

Why did the bluefish get bad grades? ... Because he was below C level.

Why are fish smarter than humans?…Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Its a bit wet in here”, the other says, “Wow, a talking fish!”

Two priests ran a fish and chips shop ... One was the fish friar, one was the chip monk.

Two fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other...“How do you drive this thing?

Do you like these crappie one liners?...They are kinda super fish-al.

What day of the week do fish hate?…Frydays

Where do fish wash?…In a river basin.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?...A slobster.

Which fish is only made of 2 sodium molecules?....2 Na

What did the fish say when he posted bail?....I’m off the hook!

Why don’t you put Nutella on salmon?...You don’t want salmonella.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?…I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand

 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’

Why did the bluefish blush?...Because he saw the boat’s bottom. 

How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?…Skate.

How do you make an Octopus laugh?...With ten-tickles 

Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark.

What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?…Tsardines

What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?…Huckleberry Fin.

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Where does seaweed look for a job?…In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads.

What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can’t tuna fish.

Why are fish no good at tennis?…They don’t like to get too close to the net.

What is the thirstiest fish in the world?…The one who drinks Canada Dry.

Where do you find a crab with no legs?…Exactly where you left it.

Where are most fish found?…Between the head and the tail.

How do you mail a fish?…You send it by first bass mail.

Who do fish pray to?...Cod almighty. 

How do you tune a fish?…With its scales

What do you use to cut the ocean?…A seasaw

What do you give a seasick whale?…Lots of room.

What happened to the illiterate fisherman?  He was lost at C.

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?…Billy the Squid

What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired?…It got toad.

What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?…A dirty double-crosser.

What do you call a deaf shark? ... Anything you like, he cannot hear you.

How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale.

Where do fish keep their money?…In the river bank.

A fish swam into a wall and said, ... “Dam!”

What do you call a fish with no eyes?…Fsh.

What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits.

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row.

What does a fish wrap round its shoulders to keep warm?…A shoal.

There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant…Four fish got battered

How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision?…Flipper coin

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?…A Perch.

How do you mail a fish?…You send it COD.

Which fish go to heaven when they die? ... Angel fish.

Why are frogs so happy?… They eat whatever bugs them

What do fish sing to each other?… Salmon-chanted evening

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark? ... As far away as possible! 

Why are men like fish? .... They get in trouble because they can't keep their mouths shut

Why did the flounder go to the doctor?… Because he was feeling a bit flat!

What do you find on a small beach?… Micro waves

How do you kiss a pike?…Very carefully

What does a diver get paid if he works extra hours?…Undertime

Oh cod, I can’t take any more of these fish puns, ... I’m outta this plaice