Fish Jokes

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Why do so many fish companies never work? … They always have to scale back.

Who is grouchy and lives alone in the ocean? … Oscar, the hermit crab.

What’s weirder than seeing a cat fish? ... Seeing a goldfish bowl.

I don't fish all the time ... I only fish on days that end with Y.

Who is your favorite pelagic rapper? … Mackerelmore.

The fish had a girlfriend, but he lobster … Then he flounder.

Create your own fish pun … Don’t leave it to salmon else.

What did the love struck shrimp say? … I’ll love you for a krillion years.

Why is serving frog legs cruel? … Because of all the frogs in wheelchairs.

Why won't cod fishermen ever give up? ... Because they're in it for the long trawl.

What did Tom Sawyer name his fish? ... Huckleberry Fin.

How do you catch fish on the internet? .... With click bait.

Nobody could peel shrimp as fast as my grandma ... She could peel a pound in Nana-seconds.  

For heavens hake! Could this get any punnier? I may have gone overboard. Should I scale back?

I went to the pet store and purchased a starfish as my new pet. ... It was a no-brainer.

Why did batman stop taking Robin fishing? … He kept eating all the worms.

How do religious fish start off their prayers? ... Dear cod.

What do you call a fake carp? ... De-Koi.

Do teenage fish get grounded? ... No, they just lose access to their shell phone.

What did the fish say when he posted bail? ... I'm off the hook.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Fish. Fish who? .... Bless you!

Why did the flounder partnership break up? ... One wanted to be a sole proprietorship.

What do you call the soft tissue that lies between a shark's teeth? ... A slow swimmer.

Did you see our new fish website? ... It's online now.

What music do fishermen listen to? ... Something catchy, with lots of bass and drum.

What did the fishmonger say when her new shipment was coming in? ... Wahoo!

What did she say when she found out the Wahoo was shorted? ... Ono! 

Why are tuna so bad at tennis? ... They're afraid of the net.   

What happens when you throw a red rock into the Black Sea? … It sinks!  

Why did the Bull shark blush? ... Because the sea-weed!

Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark

Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?… Bait Shop Owner: Sorry sir, we don’t do trades.

What TV game show do fish like best?… Name that tuna.

Why did the redfish get bad grades? ... Because he was below C level.

Which fish got a lead role in a Hollywood movie? ... The starfish, of course. 

What is the fist lesson for a fish in school? ... The end of a hook is the point of no return.

I thought the sea urchin was my friend ... But, it was an anemone.

What is an eel's favorite game? ... Tide and seek.

Why is the new action film "Fast Fishing" such a hit? ... It has an amazing cast. 

Who are the actors? … Bruce Gillis and Fin Diesel.

Holy Shrimp! ... This Scampi happening.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? ... One is a scum-sucking scavenger; the other is just a fish.

What does the Rasta fish love? ... Sea weed.

Why did they throw the clams out? ... They were past their shell-by-date.

How do you make a goldfish old? ... Take away the G.

I named my goldfish one and two ... If one dies, I still have two.

Have you heard about the new Sauna restaurant? ... Their specialty is steamed mussels.

Which fish is made with 2 sodium particles? ... 2 Na.

What has more lives that a cat?… A frog that croaks every night.

What did Cinderella Dolphin wear to the ball?… Glass flippers.

What is a knight’s favorite fish?… A swordfish.

Why did the optician go ice fishing?… He had perfect ice sight.

Who touts Social Fishtancing? … Dr. Anchovie Fouci.

Why are fishermen poor boxers? ... All they can throw are hooks?

What do you call a fish that doesn't believe in war? ... A pacifisht.

What day do fish like to meet? ... Any day, barr-a-mundi.

What did the ocean say to the sand? ... Nothing, it just waved.

Never date a fisherman ... They just string you along. 

What fish will never shut up? ... Big-mouthed bass.

Where do freshwater fish do yoga? ... The river bend.

Why did the fisherman start doing drugs? ... Pier pressure.

What do stylish frogs wear?…Jumpsuits.

Which fish can really shake her tail? ... Sharkira!

Why are men like fish? ... They live longer if they kept their mouths shut. 

What is 007's favorite fishing hole? ... Pond, James Pond. 

A scientist just discovered that sharks can squirt ink ... Not true, I'm just squidding!

Where do goldfish go on holiday? ... Around the globe.

What happened to the illiterate fisherman? ... He was lost at C.

Why did the bluefish blush? ... Because he saw the boat’s bottom.

What party game do fish like to play? ... Salmon Says.

What instrument does the toothfish play? ... The sea bass drum.

Which fish drives a Lincoln? ... Matthew McCodaughy. 

Why did the old lady make so much fish eye soup? ... To see her through the week.

Why did the fish lose his court case? ... He was gill-ty.

Who keeps the ocean clean? ... Mermaids.

How do seahorses get around quickly? ... They scallop! 

Name a whale that ate rotten fish? … Moby Sick.

Where does seaweed look for a job? … In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads

Where do fish store their important documents? ... In a reef case.

Here's a recipe for broiled flounder with herbs ... Nevermind. This isn't the thyme or plaice

What kind of fish will help you hear better? … A herring aid.

What is a mermaid? … A deep-she fish.

Name a grilled fish flipping singer? ... Tuna Turner.

Which fish sings Proud Mary? ... Tuna Turner.

What is a skate's favorite sunglasses? ... Ray Bans.

Why is it easy to weigh a fish? ... It comes with it's own scales

Why do Gillie Eilish and Swim Shady sing so well? ... 'Cause they gpt sole!

Why is swordfish always on discount? ... Because it is a sale fish.

Why won't fish ever take responsibility? ... It is always salmon else's fault

What is the fish’s favorite sitcom? ... Tuna Half Men.

Why don't fish have romantic relationships? ... They are scared of intima-sea.

What do you call a fish that can give you a face-lift? ... A plastic sturgeon.

How does an octopus go to war?…Well-armed.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?…Open toad.

Why was the Japanese fish so bashful around his crush? ... He was feeling koi

What do you call a fish with two eyes?…FIISH.

Why do fish swim in schools? ... Because they can’t walk.

What do you call an underwater social network? ... Fishbook

What does the Pope eat on Fridays during Lent? ... Holy mackerel 

Which fish go to heaven when they die? ... Angelfish

Who works in the monastery kitchen? ... The fish friar and the chip monk.

What do sea monsters eat? ... Fish and ships.

Why did the restaurant sell bad fish? ... Long time no sea.

What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show?…Whale of fortune (and you thought I would say Flipper!)

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes? … A nervous wreck.

What do you need to catch a fish? ... Someone to throw it to you.

How do fish know what’s going on? ... They read Undercurrent News. 

How do fishermen get paid? ... Net income.

What is a good name for a fish? ... Bob.

What do fish need to stay healthy? ... Vitamin Sea.

Why do fish make terrible journalists? ... They spread hake news.

Why don’t fish like going online? ... Because they’re scared of the net.

What puts white lines on the ocean?…Ocean liners.

Why did the fishmonger throw out the mussels and oysters? ... They were past their shell by date

Why did the fish blush? ... Because the sea-weed!

Why was the clam fisherman so stingy? ... Because his work made him shell-fish.

What did the fish say at the end of the interview? ... Let minnow when you want me to start.

Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?…No, they do everything on porpoise.

What’s the best way to catch a fish?…Have someone throw it at you.

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?…Drop it a line.

Which fish can perform operations?…A Sturgeon

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?…A fish tank

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?…Jack the kipper

What is a good fish for Lent?  Holy mackerel.

A man calls 911 and tells the operator he just swallowed a fish bone..

Operator: Are you Choking? 

Man:  No I’m serious.

What do you get if you cross a math teacher with a crab? .... Snappy solutions.

What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can tuna piano, but you can’t tuna fish

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much?…A beer-a-cuda

Two parrots are sitting on a perch…the first one says to the other “can you smell fish?”

Why are fish smarter than humans?…Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other “Its a bit wet in here”, the other says, “Wow, a talking fish!”

What sea creatures come calling door to door at Christmas? ... The coral singers

What is a mermaid?…A deep-she fish.

What happened to the cold jellyfish?…It set.

Which girl is good at catching fish? ... Annette .

What is Moby Dick's favorite TV show? ... Whale of Fortune.

What do you call a man with a flatfish on his head? ... Ray.

Which country has the most fish? ... Finland.

Which side of the fish has more scales? ... The outside.

Did you see our new fish website? ... Its online now.

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend? … Your plaice or mine?

What music do fishermen listen to?... Something catchy.

Two priests ran a fish and chips shop ... One was the fish friar, one was the chip monk

What did the local Boston magician say? ... Take a cod, any cod.

Why did the bluefish get bad grades? ... Because he was below C level.

Which fish is only made of 2 sodium molecules?....2 Na

What did the fish say when he posted bail?....I’m off the hook!

Where do fish go to borrow money?…A loan shark.

How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?…Skates

Where do fish wash?…In a river basin.

What do you call a lazy crayfish?...A slobster.

Two fish are in a tank. One fish says to the other...“How do you drive this thing?

Do you like these crappie one liners?...They are kinda super fish-al.

What day of the week do fish hate?…Frydays.

Where does seaweed look for a job?…In the ‘Kelp-wanted’ ads.

Why don’t you put Nutella on salmon?...You don’t want salmonella.

Who do fish pray to?...Cod almighty. 

How do you make an Octopus laugh?...With ten-tickles 

Why did the bluefish blush?...Because he saw the boat’s bottom. 

What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?…Huckleberry Fin.

What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?…Tsardines

What do you give a seasick whale?…Lots of room

Where are most fish found?…Between the head and the tail

What happened to the illiterate fisherman?  He was lost at C.

What’s the difference between a fish and a piano?…You can’t tuna fish

1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you’…2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured’

How do you mail a fish?…You send it by first bass mail.

What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus ?…I wanna hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand

Where do you find a crab with no legs?…Exactly where you left it.

Why are fish no good at tennis?…They don’t like to get too close to the net

What is the thirstiest fish in the world?…The one who drinks Canada Dry

How do you tune a fish?…With its scales

Who has eight guns and terrorises the ocean?…Billy the Squid

What do you use to cut the ocean?…A seasaw

What happened to the frog’s car when his parking meter expired?…It got toad

What do you call a fish with no eyes?…Fsh.

How do fish go into business?…They start on a small scale

A fish swam into a wall and said, ... “Dam!”

What do you call a deaf shark? ... Anything you like, he cannot hear you

What do you call a frog that crosses the road, jumps in a puddle, and crosses the road again?…A dirty double-crosser.

What kind of money do fishermen make?…Net profits

Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?…On squid row

Where do fish keep their money?…In the river bank

What does a fish wrap round its shoulders to keep warm?…A shoal

How does a group of dolphin’s make a decision?…Flipper coin

There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant…Four fish got battered

What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on?…A Perch

What do fish sing to each other?… Salmon-chanted evening

How do you mail a fish?…You send it COD

Why are frogs so happy?… They eat whatever bugs them

Which fish go to heaven when they die? ... Angel fish

Why are men like fish? .... They get in trouble because they can't keep their mouths shut

What do you get from a bad-tempered shark? ... As far away as possible! 

What do you find on a small beach?… Micro waves

How do you kiss a pike?…Very carefully

Why did the flounder go to the doctor?… Because he was feeling a bit flat!

What does a diver get paid if he works extra hours?…Undertime

Oh cod, I can’t take any more of these fish puns, ... I’m outta this plaice